Action Figure Indeed
By: Ricochet, K-Ration, and KT
 

Despite the sound of sporadic gunfire on the outskirts of the town, the squads from King and Item Companies settled down for chow and rest among the ruined dwellings.  Their ears still rang with the sounds of battle, and muddy sweat streaked their grimy, tired faces.

Always alert, Sergeant Saunders patrolled the perimeter of the outpost with a suspicious glare.  He knew the shots from the forest were aimed at German stragglers; most of the enemy had been routed from the village earlier.  Still, he couldn't dismiss a nagging voice in his head that whispered uneasily of lurking danger.

Now, as the sun settled behind French hills and shadows stretched from every structure, Sarge felt the secret whisper become a shout.  As he entered an alleyway, a small sound came from his left and he whirled, tommy gun instantly aimed at the source.

A glimpse of a shapely leg, that was all he saw before the figure disappeared into a dark cellar.  He heard a giggle from the gloom, and a confused frown tugged at his mouth.  "Who's there?" he called.

Stepping forward, the toe of his boot kicked something metallic, and he stooped and picked it up.  Tongs, like the kind his mother used when she made fried chicken, but they were sticky with some green gelatinous gunk Sarge had never seen in a decent American kitchen.

Tossing the utensil aside, he wiped his hands on his trousers and hoisted the tommy gun threateningly.  "Awright, come outta there!" he demanded.

Hearing hushed conversation, he crept toward the cellar.  Unhooking a grenade from its strap, he prepared to pull the pin if he heard one syllable of German.  Approaching the door, he listened intently.

"Look at this adorable canteen!  Do you think I need a Halizone tablet for my Dr. Pepper?"

"Shhhh-hh!  He's almost inside... don't scare him away!"

Saunders stopped mid-stride.  Those voices where the ones from his nightmares.

Suddenly he was shoved into the dark cellar from behind.

"Thanks II, for ALL your help! I promise I'll leave Doc alone... for a little while anyway!"

"You'd better!  Oh and don't hurt him too much.  TOTD and I will be otherwise occupied for a while."  She closed the cellar door.

Ricochet, Mojo, and KT wrapped the stunned sergeant in a sheet.

"Rico, did you see how he took that grenade off his strap?  He's just soooo hot!"

"Hey, you guys need to let me pat his cakes!  I haven't gotten to do that lately!"

"You'll get to pat his cakes in a little while, Mojo.  First we have to get these pants!"

"Well, I want the boots!" Mojo squealed.

"Camo's mine!" KT hollered.

"You guys..."  Rico shook her head.  "You're not learning anything are you?  Let's get him over here under the light.  Won't Jester be surprised when we show her the life-sized Jello statue?"

Reviving sluggishly, Saunders blinked through bleary vision at the figures bending over him.  Their faces were in shadow against the glare of the bright light.

He heard their conspiratorial whispers, but he couldn't understand the words.  "...not rendered terribly well, but now that we have a MODEL..."

One of them held something up.  "...and his pants..."

"Right, KT, and his pants... we can make a dol--...life-sized action figure for everyone on the board!"

"Starting with us, 'cause it was our idea and we have to clean up all this Jello..."

"Pat-a-cake."  Ignoring the other two women, the little one with the big blue eyes ran her fingers lightly through Saunders' hair and smiled.  Despite himself, he smiled back.

Suddenly an enraged shout brought the conversation to a halt.  "Hey!!  What's going on?!  Rico, Mojo's stealin' our Sarge!"

As the three women grappled nearby, Sarge struggled to free himself from the sheet, but quickly gave up as he realized he was trapped.

Conserving his energy, he let his head drop back down.  A stray lock of golden hair fell over his brow, and he heard breathless coos and sighs in the darkness around him.  "Pat-a-cake..." someone whispered.

He stared at the ceiling without meeting their eyes, refusing to reward them with any stray fears.

This was his worst nightmare:  to be captured by Germans without his pants on.

Suddenly the lights flicked on.  "Are these my good tongs??!"

"Jester, pal, sweety.  How are you doing tonight?"  Ricochet quickly stood and blocked her view.

"What are you guys doing?" leaning up on her toes to look over Rico's shoulder.

"DII gave us permission," Mojo volunteered.  KT shushed her.

"I'll just bet she did."  She stepped around Ricochet and KT quickly stood up, blocking her again.  "What are you doing?  I see Sarge's clothes spread all over the floor, Mojo is wearing his boots, and KT is wearing his camo helmet."

"Nothing, Jester, honest.  We aren't doing anything."

"Um, hum."  Jester crossed her arms and began tapping her toe.  "I'd like an answer sometime today."  Ricochet grabbed Jester's shoulders and turned her toward the life-sized Sarge Jello Statue.

"Well, Jester dear, you've spoiled the surprise.  We wanted to present this to you at the Recon but it looks like we're gonna have to do it right here, right now."  She waved her hand behind her back to get KT and Mojo to move Saunders into another room.  The two girls looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders not sure what she was doing.  Mojo leaned over to KT's ear.  "I think she's got bad gas."

"No I think she wants us to move Sarge while she has Jester distracted."

"Oh, the way she was fanning..."  KT shook her head and put Sarge over her shoulder in a fireman's carry.

By now, Ricochet was strolling around the Jello mold like PT Barnum, waving her hand and extolling the virtues of the quivering, lime green, life-sized mass.  "As you can plainly see, we took pains to ensure it's... accuracy."

Jester blinked, stunned by the Jello's prodigious attributes.  "Hamana hamana hamana..." she said eloquently.

"That's what I thought, too!" KT chimed in, returning with Mojo.

Shaking herself out of her stupor, Jester turned on Rico and shook her tongs in her face.  "These are my Sunday tongs!  And I'm fresh out of Silly String and my in-laws are coming tomorrow!  This just smacks of a wacky scheme!"

Stopping suddenly, she sniffed the air.  "Is that Sarge I smell?"

Mojo and KT exchanged amazed glances.  'She can SMELL him?' Mojo mouthed silently.  KT shrugged.

Jester looked down at them.  "KT," she said in her sternest voice.  "Are those his pants?"

"Whose pants?" KT asked innocently.  Suddenly Jester's cell phone rang.

"Who?  Ranger?  I can't talk right now, I've got to beat the stuffing out of Rico, KT, and Mojo and rescue Sar-- ...what?"  Jester turned and glared poisonously at the guilty trio.  "You say YOU have Sarge's pants??  I'll be right over...."

Rico looked skyward muttering 'thank you,' as Jester took her tongs and left the cellar.

"That was a close one!" KT said as she headed back to the tiny room they had secreted Sarge in.

"How can Jester smell Sarge?" Mojo asked, as she followed Ricochet to the room.

"Years of practice, Mojo, years of practice."

"Oh man, I want that ability."

"HEY, What's this?" KT asked as she turned on the light.  In their haste to see what KT was talking about, Mojo and Ricochet fought over entering the room.

There on the cot sat the cutest puppy the three of them had ever seen.

"Hoover?"  Ricochet sat down next to the corgi stroking his big ears.  "Why did mommy send you over here?"

"Where's Sarge?" KT demanded.

"Yeah, who would do a switch on us like that?" Mojo asked.

"I don't know.  DII doesn't let Hoover out of her sight, and she's busy with TOTD, so she may not even know he's missing."

"But who would do something like this?"

Suddenly a dry chuckle interrupted their conversation.  Mojo gave a little shriek and bumped into KT as Ranger stepped from the corner into the pool of light.

"Ranger!" KT gasped, fully aware of the other woman's guile.  She backed up a step in horror.

"Aren't you the one who just called Jester?" Rico demanded.  "You claimed to have Sarge's pants!  What do you call these?!"

Grabbing KT's wrist and holding up her arm, she indicated the fatigues still clutched in KT's fingers.

"Silly hippie," Ranger smirked.  "Those are clone pants.  I have the real deal stashed somewhere up north in that cold snowy place that even I don't remember the name of!"

She threw her head back and laughed.  But just as Mojo, KT, and Rico lunged at her, she held up a sidearm and shouted: "Wait!"

The sound of their desperate gasps filled small room.  The tension was so thick, it was melting the Jello.  Hoover whined and thumped his adorable wittle tail....

"Before you attack me... consider THIS!"  With the speed of a cobra, Ranger whipped out a red and white aerosol can.

"What is it?" Rico gasped.  "Nerve gas??"

"Cigarette smoke?"  KT shrieked.

"Frosting??" Mojo guessed.

"CLOSE!" Ranger crowed.  "It's... REDDIWHIP!"

A collective gasp went up from the three women.

"AND..." Ranger's other hand appeared in a flourish holding four spoons.  "SPOONS!"

"Excellent, now I have them distracted.  But where did that dog Hoover come from?"

K-Ration pondered this thought from a darkened corner.

"This is urban warfare.  Easy to sneak up on these surbanites."  Pulling her Red Sox cap down over her eyes, she crept through the shadows to liberate the Sarge.

The three women hesitated just a moment, then slowly Mojo reached out and took a spoon.  Ricochet followed (having an undisclosed weakness for lime Jello) and finally, reluctantly, KT joined in.

"Ladies, shall I do the honors?" Ranger asked, holding the Reddiwhip aloft over the life-sized green Jello mold of Sweet Baby Sarge.

All three nodded, then watched with round, transfixed stares as the creamy confection traced delicious pipings over "Sarge's" quivering form.

"I know where I'm gonna dip in first...." KT murmured to herself.

"Pat-a-cake...." Mojo whispered gleefully, poking the Jello with her finger to watch it hula dance.

Ricochet covered her eyes with one hand and only peeked a little as the four spoons dipped toward a delicious destination. 

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